Mermaids don’t exist? To most, that’s sort of goes without saying. But what about those men and women who honestly believe that mermaids are real? Maybe the only thing that gets some sad, lonely little guy through the day is sitting on a beach, hoping that his Ariel will come flopping out of the sea and into his arms. What if his dreams are forever shattered by this heartless, insensitive government study? What about him? Never mind that such research is a remarkable waste of time, money, and resources — think about the people who won’t be able to get through the day knowing that mermaids “officially” don’t exist. Think about the people.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced to the world that there’s no evidence these half-human, half-fish hybrids exist anywhere in the world. Next week, I’m going to apply for a grant to study whether or not Candyman shows up in my mirror after saying his name five times. I’m more than willing to risk my well-being for the greater good.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration for spending their time researching mermaids. I’m sure they need to break up the seriousness of their work by turning their attention to lighter, more disposable fare every now and again. In fact, I’m almost willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. And if it turns out this nothing more than a direct response to the fictional Animal Planet program “Mermaids: The Body Found”, I’m okay with that. People get confused sometimes.

Although it’s a little alarming that such studies are being funded when meaningful federal programs are watching their budgets slowly disappear, I’m still more worried about that guy on the beach. His dreams have been forever shattered, all because everything has to be so black and white these days. In fact, I sincerely hope that he never reads this silly little article. Because sometimes it’s just fun to imagine that mermaids exist.