I have Time Warner Cable and high-speed (lol) internet. If anyone from the billing department is listening, I just wanted to let you know that if you happen to get upset with me and call me names – let’s say on my bill or something – well, I’m cool with that as long as it means I get free stuff.

Oops, I mean, grrrrr … I’d be so angry!

I heard you – or a third party vendor that works worked for you – recently referred to a customer as “Cunt Martinez” in a letter. Then, I heard you apologized for the error profusely and offered her a free year of cable and internet.

I also heard that Comcast called someone “Asshole Brown” on a bill. Boy, what a fiasco! I saw they apologized to her and refunded two whole years of her cable bills! Did you know about that? I bet you did. You guys are like, super close now.

So, here’s what’s going to happen.

I’m going to call you tonight and start bitching about something. Maybe multiple things. It doesn’t really matter. My internet is slow. I think you’re throttling me. ESPN2 is barely watchable it’s so choppy. What gives? Since when did my bill go up by $9? What kind of bullshit is this?

I’m going to be insufferable. Not rude – just persistent enough to really annoy someone. I doubt it’ll be a struggle.

And then in a few weeks, when I receive my billing statement, I’m going to hope to God almighty that some pissed-off customer service rep has changed my name to “F*ckface Wolford” or “Josh Fart”.

Because in all honesty, you can call me whatever you like. I don’t care. There is literally no combination of vowels and consonants that is so offensive that I wouldn’t bear it to receive free internet and cable for a year.

So, let’s save us both the hassle. I’ll just take a free year right now. Basic services are fine – I’ll pay for the premiums. And as far as internet goes, I’ll take the middle-of-the-road speed.

I mean, it’s all the same anyway.