@JosephScrimshaw
Joseph ScrimshawI bet Andy Serkis would have been nominated for The Rise of the Planet of the Apes if the film was titled War Monkey. #oscars 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@TheFakeCNN
The Fake CNNShame on the rise after local area man makes eye contact with dog on National Peanut Butter Day. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@AmericanHumor
American HumorI think we can all agree that Man or Muppet being nominated for an Oscar is good for America. #oscars 5 hours ago via Buffer · powered by @socialditto

@ApocalypseHow
Rob KutnerTIP FOR THE LADIES: Steer clear of any Personals ad that says, “Seeking Companionship for 30-40 Seconds, Tops” 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@DougBenson
Doug BensonWhere the f- were the nominations for NEW YEAR’S EVE? How long is the Academy gonna shut out Ashton Kutcher? #Oscars 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@Justin_Stangel
Justin StangelToday is National Peanut Butter Day. They have to stop letting Paula Deen name holidays 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@jakecampbell7
Jake CampbellCongrats to Sarah Jessica Parker for her Oscar nomination in ‘War Horse.’ 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

@juliussharpe
Julius SharpeR1D1 must have sucked. 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

@iamcolinquinn
Colin QuinnDidn’t see the Help because I’m not a guilty white soccer mom but I’m sure it’s very racially hopeful and sincere. Yay! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@xoxoGG
Garrett GreerI mean, just so we’re clear: from here on out, in trailers for any movie he’s in, we’re going to see “Academy Award Nominee Jonah Hill.” 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@denisleary
Denis LearyRomney is so tight-assed white he’s even tighter-assed-whiter than Richard Pryor’s tight-assed white guy impression. 47 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@mikepolkjr
Mike Polk Jr.I’ve had blood alcohol levels higher than Mitt Romney’s tax rate. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzThe best method for early cancer detection is Newt Gingrich. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@GingrichIdeas
Newt Gingrich IdeasParachute into the Capitol during the State of the Union and challenge Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas debate to the death. 6 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@HAL9000_
HAL 9000After 11 years orbiting Jupiter I think it is finally time to cash in my @NASA skymiles. 14 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@Smethanie
StephanieCan we replace the obligatory “How are you?” with something people actually are interested in, like “Hi. When’s the last time you got laid?” 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@thesulk
Alec SulkinSo glad I’m a guy. Haven’t fought with a friend since 1987. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto